The beginning – not the end

Last week, I got engaged to a wonderful man.  He really is a wonderful man.  He is loving, romantic, generous, thoughtful, smart, talented, handsome, sexy.  Really everything I could want.  I have two concerns.  Alcohol and money.  See, we both drink too much and we both spend too much.  While everything else seems amazing, these two things are concerning.  Except that I’ve been bringing them up and I have started to feel that we can conquer these two things.  If we both want to.  So, I’ve been reading books like This Naked Mind by Annie Grace and Kick the Drink, Easily by Jason Vale lately and I have wanted to quit – even have had the thought that I would quit if I weren’t dating him.  I feel like we have to do it together.  So, I keep letting myself slip back into it.

Then this morning, it hit me.  Now is the time.  It has to be the time.  I can save money and I can quit drinking.  I can do it.  I think a daily blog feels quite indulgent and quite selfish of me – perhaps a bit self-aggrandizing, but trust me, it is none of those things.  I have used writing as a way of clearing my head for years – since I was a little girl.  In fact, cleaning out some old boxes yesterday (while listening to a memoir about a woman who stopped drinking), I came upon some of my old diaries and poems.  Have I lost myself that severely?  I like memoirs, I like movies, I like organizing, I have a great job and a great man.  I don’t want to be cloudy anymore, nor do I have to be.  I have been given the gift of a great  brain.  A smart brain and I am keeping myself dull-witted with alcohol.  All for the sake of peer pressure?  Yes.  But it is the peer pressure partially of the man I just said yes to.  And that got me thinking. Now’s the time to stop.

If I think this change is afoot, I must do it now – see how our relationship thrives or doesn’t with clear heads and clear bodies.  I don’t know what he will do.  I don’t know how this will go.  But I do know that I want to be the best version of myself that I can be.  I want to be amazing.  It’s not too late – I feel in the back of my head that I should just throw in the towel – try again with life #2.  I’m 48 years old, have already been married once.  And divorced once.  I said yes to this man, but now is the time to live free of the drugs that I’ve been indulging in for years.  I am a drug addict?  Maybe.  We all are – well, most of us.

So, I think this is going to be something I work on – I’m reading Jason’s book today and this week and I’m going to see what happens.  I felt great.  I want to see how this will affect us if I do it and he doesn’t.  I want to see how things will feel.  I need to find out now.  Not after I’m remarried.  And this makes sense.  I’m excited.  I’m not stopping drinking as a chore, but as a gift to myself.  I gave up gluten years ago and discovered a whole new way of living.  I still feel grateful for that each and every day, now it’s time to give this up and rediscover who I was meant to be.  Who God wanted me to be.

I am NOT an alcoholic.  I am a person who wants to feel clearheaded and good about my life.  Not live in fear.  Live in faith and joy and excitement.

I want to live my life in fearless excitement.  And that’s what I intend to do.



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