I’m on Day 19, a Saturday. And I will admit to a tiny bit of a struggle today. Last night wasn’t a struggle at all – I watched a movie with my youngest daughter and we had popcorn and even a cherry coke! 🙂 Then we played some video games and I fell into bed at 11:30 pm too tired to read. Just fell into a restful sleep. No panic attacks. No waking up in a cold sweat trying to remember what I had done the day before.
Things I continue to LOVE about not drinking:
- The brightness in my eyes
- Feeling alert and interested and interesting
- Feeling ever so slightly lighter each and every day
- Being able to choose what to do – puzzles, music, games, reading, movies, walk the dog. I can do any of it that I choose. Without falling asleep.
- Not feeling so moody
*I remember too many nights that I would fall asleep:
- Mid-conversation (literally in the middle of talking)
- Mid-game (literally sitting up and playing a board game and falling asleep)
- At a party (surrounded by a ton of people, I’m there – asleep)
Was it asleep? Or passed out? Either way, it’s embarrassing. Humiliating. And immature. I DO NOT MISS THAT.
Things I miss about drinking:
- The relaxation of a (too much) anticipated glass of wine or margarita.
- Feeling of giddiness and letting go*
Yes, I let go too much. I took it too far. And I don’t miss it. I find myself really looking forward to my nights and evenings. Tonight, Saturday night, I’m going to go down and start a new jigsaw puzzle. I’m going to sit at my bar (ironically) in the basement and work that puzzle and listen to music.
My tiny struggle starts when I think about spending time with my boyfriend. We have spent four years drinking together. He is a drinking trigger for me. And although I fear being boring with him when I’m not drinking, I fear more not stopping drinking. I fear that a great deal. So, that’s next on my list to tackle. In the next 9 days (starting tomorrow), I have 7 nights with him without drinking. I find myself a bit scared about how that will go. Will I be interesting enough to him? Will I want to be with him like I always have? Will we still have fun? Will I be too serious? Will I be able to relax? Will I just want to go to bed early?
I will report back. 🙂