Day 19

I’m on Day 19, a Saturday.  And I will admit to a tiny bit of a struggle today.  Last night wasn’t a struggle at all – I watched a movie with my youngest daughter and we had popcorn and even a cherry coke!  🙂  Then we played some video games and I fell into bed at 11:30 pm too tired to read.  Just fell into a restful sleep.  No panic attacks.  No waking up in a cold sweat trying to remember what I had done the day before.

Things I continue to LOVE about not drinking:

  • The brightness in my eyes
  • Feeling alert and interested and interesting
  • Feeling ever so slightly lighter each and every day
  • Being able to choose what to do – puzzles, music, games, reading, movies, walk the dog.  I can do any of it that I choose.  Without falling asleep.
  • Not feeling so moody

*I remember too many nights that I would fall asleep:

  • Mid-conversation (literally in the middle of talking)
  • Mid-game (literally sitting up and playing a board game and falling asleep)
  • At a party (surrounded by a ton of people, I’m there – asleep)

Was it asleep?  Or passed out?  Either way, it’s embarrassing.  Humiliating.  And immature.  I DO NOT MISS THAT.

Things I miss about drinking:

  • The relaxation of a (too much) anticipated glass of wine or margarita.
  • Feeling of giddiness and letting go*

Yes, I let go too much.  I took it too far.  And I don’t miss it.  I find myself really looking forward to my nights and evenings.  Tonight, Saturday night, I’m going to go down and start a new jigsaw puzzle.  I’m going to sit at my bar (ironically) in the basement and work that puzzle and listen to music.

My tiny struggle starts when I think about spending time with my boyfriend.  We have spent four years drinking together.  He is a drinking trigger for me.  And although I fear being boring with him when I’m not drinking, I fear more not stopping drinking.  I fear that a great deal.  So, that’s next on my list to tackle.  In the next 9 days (starting tomorrow), I have 7 nights with him without drinking.  I find myself a bit scared about how that will go.  Will I be interesting enough to him?  Will I want to be with him like I always have?  Will we still have fun?  Will I be too serious?  Will I be able to relax?  Will I just want to go to bed early?

I will report back. 🙂


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