Never Quit on the Uphill

I want to start a blog.  Reasons I want to start a blog?

  • I love to write .
  • I have learned so much from other people’s blogs, so maybe, just maybe somebody could get encouragement from mine.
  • I want a place to stay accountable.

Reasons not to start a blog:

  • It feels self-aggrandizing and arrogant
  • Who would want to ready about little old me?
  • There are TONS of awesome blogs out there! Not sure mine would even be interesting in the least.

That being said, I can’t stop thinking about it.

So, who am I?  I am a 48-year-old divorced woman with three daughters.  I’ve always been fascinated with these very quick synopses of a life.  A life is so complex, so rich, so intricate and yet it can all be distilled down to a few sentences, usually post-mortem sentences.  But still sentences nonetheless.  I’m going to use this (possibly never read) blog to put myself out there.  Describe who I am.

So, back to square one – I am a divorced 48-year-old mom of three daughters.  But that sounds so ugly.  If I heard that description of someone, I might be disinterested, immediately bucketing that person into an old and frumpy category of somebody I wouldn’t want to hang out with.  That sounds like a cliché.  But we are all so different.

Here’s my story.  It will not be sequential.  In fact, it will start today.  Right here, right now.

I have had no alcohol in the past 9 days.  To be precise, this is day 9.  Sounds unimpressive, right?  Understood.  However, it is very, very impressive.  I had reached a place with my drinking that was practically diabolical.  Sure, I have a thousand reasons why I was drinking.  I could justify it left and right.  But, in the end, it was damaging not only me, but those around me, most especially my children.  So, why stop and why now?  You might think that it had something to do with a New Year’s resolution.  Nope.  I don’t even do New Year’s resolution.  I am always coming up with new improvements to focus on, ways to fix what’s wrong or stay healthy.  For instance, I’ve been a fairly regular exerciser since I was 15 years old.  I actually love to exercise – and again, that sounds very, very wrong.  I’m not one of “those” people.  The super-fit, super-thin women always dressed in spandex or yoga pants.  I’m pretty mainstream and normal, but I’ve just maintained a certain level of fitness for 33 years.  I digress.

So, I drank on New Year’s Eve (and practically every day before that for the past 4 years).  But what bothered  me was that on New Year’s Day, I drank again.  I’m not sure why this bothered me except that I was with my boyfriend that evening.  We went out and played ping pong.  I told him I needed some alone time and I went home and poured myself a glass of wine, and then another.  When I finally made it over to his house, I poured some whiskey and then another.  In the middle of the night, I woke suddenly with great, overpowering remorse (which is no stranger to me, mind you). I didn’t remember getting into bed.  Didn’t remember falling asleep or taking out my earrings.  Or anything.  The next day, January 2, felt terrible.  I was lethargic, sick, achy, and so full of regret as to be crippled.  I decided that I would go until the weekend J without drinking.  And I did.  That wasn’t hard.  On Thursday, I read a post on Facebook from a woman that I don’t know who was admitting her own struggle with alcohol and how she had done a 30-day alcohol fast.  Here she stood, 2 years later and she felt free from her need for wine.  From her need to numb things.  I was intrigued and read on.  I read and read and read.  I found the website Tired of Thinking About Drinking.  I found this website and began some obsessive reading.  After all, those of us that become obsessed with alcohol often have obsessive-type tendencies.  I’m certainly no exception.

On Friday, the following day, my boyfriend suggested our typical Friday night margaritas with our canasta game.  The kids were home, so it was easier to say no, but still not easy.  I told him that I would be skipping the margaritas, but would play cards.  I was TERRIFIED of him finding me boring.  I was terrified of us having nothing to talk about.  But I simply had to do it.  His response was such a huge relief to me, as I see him as quite the drinker, and part of my reluctance to stop drinking has to do with a fear of losing him.  I haltingly explained what I was doing and, without any hesitation, he offered to join me.  Said he was relieved I brought it up.

So, here I am.  Nine days in and feeling better than I have in quite some time.  OK, well, the truth is that we did this before – in July.  I decided to do a 2-week sugar purge and that included abstaining from alcohol.  He and I did that together and ALMOST made it the full two weeks.  We had a trip to the Grand Canyon planned, though, and so let ourselves indulge the last night of our trip.  And indulge I did.  I can’t speak for his intake, but mine was excessive.  Ridiculous.  And I felt like shit the next day.  Surprise, surprise.

So, here we go again.

Here are the things I like LOVE about not drinking.

  • I love how I feel during the day.
  • I love how my eyes look – they are notably brighter.
  • I love not having regret.
  • I love feeling a bit slimmer.
  • I love going to bed and snuggling into bed with my wits about me.
  • I love not feeling cloudy-headed.
  • And I LOVE that I have been able to enjoy my kids’ company at night instead of just passing out.
  • I love being able to stay awake for a movie.
  • I love not being irritable.

And for those reasons, I’m already starting to think about what I will do at the end of January.  What WILL I do at the end of January?  I don’t want to make any decisions now.  I want to enjoy this month for what it is – and it won’t be easy the whole time.  I’m worried about the events, the nights where I’m used relaxing with the physical assistance of booze, making love with my boyfriend – will I be exciting, what taste will I have in my mouth in the evenings?  Will I be boring?  Will I be less interested in him?  It’s all very scary.  So, I shouldn’t be thinking about the future as much as thinking about each day and valuing what is good about this new life that I’m dabbling in.

I will explain the title of my site on my next post.  It has profound meaning in my life.

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